delo君

英语笑话
（一）  

Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?  

A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.  

猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？
英语笑话
（二）  

He is really somebody  

-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.  

-- He is really somebody. What does he do?  

-- A maintenance man in a cemetery. [ˈsemitri]

  他真是一个大人物  

-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。  

-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？  

-- 墓地守墓人。
（三）
A man see a woman is beautiful so he said:'Oh,you are beautiful!'But the woman like Chinese said:"Where?Where?'The man said :"eyes and mouth and the nose...'

一老外见到一中国女人十分美丽，曰：“你真漂亮！”中国女人想按照中国的方式回答，曰：“哪里哪里！”老外便说：“眼睛、嘴巴、鼻子........”  
（四）
一个冬天的早晨，一名雇员解释他为什么迟到了四十五分钟才起来上班。“外面太滑了，我每向前迈一步，就要向后退两步。” 老板狐疑地看着他。“噢，是吗？那你是怎样到这里来的？” “后来我决定放弃，”他说，“然后我就往家里走。”
How Did You Ever Get Here
你是怎样来的？
One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery
out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."
The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"
"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."
（五）
采购过早
那天是圣诞节，法官在审讯犯人时也有点恻隐之心。“你为什么而被起诉？”他问。
“采购圣诞节物品过早。”被告答。
“这不算犯法，”法官回答，“你购物多早？”
在商店开门之前，“犯人应道。
Early Shopper
It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent [biˈnevələnt] mood as he questioned
  the prisoner.
"What are you charged with?" he asked.
"Doing my christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," replied the judge, "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
（六）
好消息和坏消息

　　“有好消息，也有坏消息，”离婚律师告诉他的当事人。
　　“我总能利用一些好消息吧，”当事人吧了口气说，“是什么好消息？”
　　“你妻子没有要求将你未来的继承财产也划入裁决的范围。”
　　“那么坏消息呢？”
“离婚以后，她将与你父亲结婚。”
Good News And Bad News
       
"There's good news and bad news," the divorce lawyer told his client.
"I could sure use some good news," sighed the client. "What's it?"
"Your wife isn't demanding that your future inheritances be included in the settlement."
"And the bad news?"
"After the divorce, she's marrying your father."
（七）
百万富翁

主管人：我妻子使我成为百万富翁。
助　手：以前你是什么？
主管人：千万富翁。
CEO: "My wife made a millionaire out of me."
Assistant: "What were you before?"
CEO: "a multimillionaire."

       


（八）
过一秒钟
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"

一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."

（九）
Jack feell off his bicycle and got hurt. A beautiful young nurse asked him to fill forms. Jack finished them and gave them back. Anything else? The nurse asked. Yes, Jack thinks for a while and said, I'm a bachelor.

　　杰克骑车摔伤,得住院治疗.一位年轻美貌的护士拿着表格让填.仞杰克填好递上表格还有什么漏填的? 护士问. 有! 杰克想了想说, 我是个单身汉.
（十）
One day a doctor went to a store and bought a pair of shoes. Before he left the shoes counter, he asked the salesgirl: " How long will this pair of shoes last?"

"It depends. If you don t use it, the shoes will never wear out."

Several days later the salesgirl fell ill and went to a hospital. And the happened to be the customer she served. After the girl got the prescription from the doctor, she asked: "How soon will I get better with the medicine?”
It depends. " The doctor answered, "If you don t use it, you will never get better.


　　一天，一位医生到鞋店买了双鞋。他在离开柜台之前，问售货员：“这双鞋能穿多长时间？“

　　“看情况而定。如果您不穿它，那它们永远也不会坏。”

　　几天后，这位售货员病了，去医院看病。这位医生碰巧是那位顾客。

　　当售货员拿了处方后，问道：“吃了这药，我的病多长时间才能好呀？”

　　“看情况而定。”医生说，“如果你不吃药，你的病永远也好不了。”